A Year Before that Last Year

A year before that last year I only had one wish, and that was to have you forever. But I guess I do now but in a totally different way, not what I wanted it to be.

On that one sunday Sr. Fids (Thank God!) came, she asked me if I was mad at you Lord. I said no. Probably the only one I couldn’t and wouldn’t get mad at. She asked me if I hated the world, I said yes and all the fucking people in it.

I hate it when people tell me to lighten up. I hate it when people tell me I don’t have fun. I hate it when people tell me I’m too religious for posting too religious posts (And when they themselves do, actually. 😑 Loser). I hate it when people try too much and cover up the rage simmering on days light these.

And no, I’m not sorry for being me.

One thing I learned from Mutti is to choose not to be shallow, to dig deep and see the world within and not just from without. So I did.

Other than our family of seven. Other than the beagles. I found people outside our sphere more worthy of whatever limited joy I am able to find and give, of whatever limited laughter I am able to find and give, of the need to see more and be more and share it with a few close ones who take time to listen and understand. Not sweep your concerns under the rug as some petty pest they don’t want to deal- because it disrupts their perfectly happy lifestyles.

Well fuck you. Next time, save those shallow words of sympathy to gullible people- Im not one of them. I can sense when a person is honestly honest. Sorry not sorry that I am not able to level with your shallowness. I find life too short to please other people. I found me. I found me separate from what you think I should be.

Shallow people should not brush aside other people’s grief like yesterday’s cast offs, because they are not. I hope you’ll not go through the same thing I have gone through and continue to do, when your time comes and you’ll also lose a parent. I might just be as insensitive as you have been. 

I have fun. I find joy. Maybe not with shallow people. But with those who are able to appreciate the me I want to be despite the flaws and the baggage of rage and grief that keeps on popping up from time to time.

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